Emma Curtis Johnson

A newly discovered bible interpretation manuscript believed to be written by Emma Curtis Johnson was discovered in the trunk of an old Ford outside of Roaring Knob, PA by well known scholar, Ina Gaddadavida who was researching ‘free market’ whiskey at the time.  Emma Curtis Johnson appears to be somehow related to an earlier Emma and likely suffered from the same inability to write in a way that conveys meaning. Ina,believes they were cousins in law. So here’s a paragraph of that newly discovered, riveting work that is bound to strain the very limits of what most agree on as sanity.

‘While fixing attention on the perpendicular nature of God, behold the Randy Rhinoceros of Jerusalem which sits at the right elbow of The Most High after devouring the Lamb and being eternally grateful never to hunger again but to pass wind with wool. Contemplate the 13th verse of the 6th proposition of the second movement but only after completing the first movement suggested by  Bob 3:89. ‘And I say unto you verily run away. Quickly. For the Randy Rhinoceros of Jerusalem cometh to stomp the slow and roger the timid. And you would not want to get any on you, dude.’ While you still can, affirm your denials and deny your affirmations thereby causing great confusion while making good your escape from the Great Horned Ungulate of Destiny.



Miss Becky CD Release

We here at the Above Average Racing Team like to acknowledge Above Average endeavors wherever we see or in this case hear them.

Mr. Fabulous is in possession of an advanced signed special edition CD by Miss Becky titled ‘For Now’. The Official Release Party is not until Saturday October 20 in Portland but we gave it a listen on a rainy Seattle night and pronounce it Above Average. In fact Mr. Fab thinks it might even get ‘air play’ on the radio if such things happen anymore. Maybe he’s right but we really should tell you that the first CD Mr. Fab tried to play still has the scratches in it from the turntable.

We know there is a tendency to label and put things in pigeonholes. That probably accounts for the labels  occasionally seen on pigeons. But I digress. How would you characterize the music on this optically scanned polycarbonate disc? Country? Alt Country? R&B with a little less R and a lot of B? How about Alt Country American Roots music? There’s lots of guitars. Acoustic, electric, bass, even steel and resonator. There’s fiddle, banjo, mandolin and that most dangerous of instruments, the accordion, but not enough to Welkify it at all. Last but not least Miss Becky’s vocals. Memorable. We’re not going to say much more because it hasn’t been officially released yet but we will play it often on the way home from the race track. Something new between Frank Sinatra and Commander Cody in the team bus audio playback devise. Sure beats what they play at the track. Just the thing for driving a big diesel fast through the night in the wide open spaces out west.

You know what you get when you play a country record backwards. Play this backwards and you’ll have to get a new needle for your CD player. It’s not out on vinyl yet.

Terrorist Suicide Duck

                                       Terrorist Suicide Duck Hits Airliner

A close call for this airliner in the skies over an undisclosed location. Capt. Mike Weelzup said ‘yeah, it was coming right at us like it was aiming for us. Just before it hit I thought I heard ‘Allah Quakbaa’ then one helluva bang and a pink mist and feathers all over the windshield. Couldn’t see a thing. It was hard to fly on instruments because there was greasy duck fluid oozing out of the dash and the gauges didn’t like it a bit. The glove box was full of guts and something very nasty dripped down on the brake pedal so my foot slipped off and we damn near hit the fire truck when we finally got down.’ NTSB inspector ‘Crash’ Lahnding said ‘well the only thing we know for sure right now is that the last thing that went through it’s mind was it’s ass.’

Anne Goes To Iowa

Anne with former battleship captain feeling Above Average in Iowa


One of our early supporters, Anne (and as she is quick to remind us, that’s Anne with an ‘e’) has gone to Davenport to run or at least amble in the 35th annual Bix 7. A race that is run in honor of Leon Bismark Beiderbecke who for obvious reasons liked to be known as Bix. They say that something like 20,000 people may turn up for this event so there will be many other participants wishing they were as stylish as Anne’s team when they hit the streets decked out in those fabulous AboveAverageRacingTeam.com t-shirts. We are quite sure that in ways we haven’t even though of yet, Anne and her team will be ‘Above Average”. Yes, we think Anne is ‘Management Material’ and after proper examination of credentials and other more or less tangible attributes we may offer her the position of t-shirt marketing and Under Assistant Midwest Promotions Director with the side benefit of having someone around who is skilled in correct bandaging techniques for the inevitable screwdriver stab wounds. We will report the results of this race just as soon as the pigeon gets here.

If you want to be as hip and with it as Anne and her team, you too will be able to obtain the very stylish high fashion hand made designer apparel with the AbvoveAveraageRacingTeam.com logo. Be the first on your block, amaze your friends and buy one or several soon. They go on sale here the first week in August, one of our favorite months.

Did you know that someone named an asteroid after Bix? I wonder if it is shaped like a cornet? No, more likely a piano. Rambling through the belt, 23457 Beiderbecke. The one that looks like a piano.

Wolfgang Strudelbanger


The Can

The thought hit me like a couple of protons moving at light speed through the higher function brain cells. You know how that can tickle. Where was it? It wasn’t in good shape the last time I saw it. It could be dangerous if it went off and got some on ya. I need to find a helmet and some welding gloves. And the flame thrower just in case.

Spring is just around the corner. While thinking about cleaning out the garage I remembered The Can. It had been many things over the years. Relic of the past, conversation piece, science experiment, interesting although somewhat alarming coffee table decoration.

It all started about twenty years ago with the end my last ‘domestic partnership’ as they are now called. It was an amicable split, she headed south to experience life as a California bisexual, I went stock car racing and the dog I think, headed east. All that remained was the last unopened can of the sort of food only a starving dog would consider eating and even then would stand upwind. It was a local brand, I think called ‘Ol Dobbin’. The factory smelled like a rendering plant.

The Can must have rolled around under the sink for a couple of years before it was discovered there during a brief fit of cleanliness. Remember this is bachelor housing. It was immediately noticed that the metal of the can was distressed, rounded out as if great internal pressure was threatening the very structural integrity of this common, well proven container of consumer products. In the interest of science it was then displayed on the coffee table. Visitors when shown The Can quite often ducked and quickly moved away. The chair nearest The Can was seldom used. Although I was relatively unconcerned, my guests were often alarmed at the prospect of spontaneous dogfood detonation so, again in the interest of science,  it was put out on the deck in the sun to see what happened. Well, the years went by and The Can expanded enough that the label fell off. Then it sort of got mixed up with a collection of industrial supplies and is either somewhere in the back yard or the garage. It would be interesting to find it again.

If it is still intact I could really have something here. Twenty years is a long time for anaerobic bacteria. That’s like 12 million people years. All that heat and pressure, thousands upon thousands of generations. Mutations, perhaps a whole new life form. Like something that could be thriving on that planet they found recently a couple of galaxies over. Maybe I could sell it to DoD. I’ll bet those boys in the moon suits would love to open it up and see what sort of marvelous bugs are in there. Oh, do I feel a screenplay coming on? Well, I’m getting a little ahead of myself here. That will need to wait till next winter when I have the time to figure out how to write it. It can’t be that hard judging from the films they do these days. If it weren’t for Capt. Jack Sparrow there would be nothing to watch.